had second thoughts if i have to write this here as this made me felt so bad the entire day today. i don't want to be reminded with what happened but i want to learn more from it...
i had to rush to office today for a 9am management meeting. xia's class is at 10am but i had to bring them with me that early also. told mom that they can just stay in the nearby mcdo while they wait for xia's class to start. that was the deal...
while in C-5 already, xia remembered that she wasn't able to put on her belt! and started to cry... and cry... and cry!!! she wanted me to return home for her belt! i tried to pacify her (while driving) but to no avail. she was inconsolable and she was in tantrums na! i kept my patience but she was throwing fits on mom.
i had to give in by letting her go back home - so had to detour. the stress was building up because i can't be late in the meeting. and i said a lot of foul words on xia non-stop for about 5 minutes! :( :( :( dropped them off at the tricycle terminal by the service road so they can go home and i can still meet my 9am call time.
on my way back - the 10mins ride to work seemed to be my longest trip ever because my heart was breaking... tears welled up in my eyes because i knew i should have not done that to my one and only love... i felt so guilty that i wanted to go back home and just hug her tight and tell her i was sorry.
i wore that heavy heart the whole day :( good thing my mom is with us. while xia may or may not remember this anymore, my mom was there to tell xia i was sorry even before i could personally tell her. and that i just got mad because i want her to be a good girl.
i went home early to make amends with my little girl. and it was like nothing happened... but i felt the need to say sorry to her over and over again and she said her sorry back...
i think i was not just used to handling tantrums because she is "generally" easy to handle. even back when she was a baby, she hardly cries. there was never an instance when she cried in a mall or a shop because she wanted something and i won't buy it for her. she never cried in her first day in school (she even just left me by the door!). she even doesn't cry since 2yrs old when given shots by her doctor - a lot of people get amazed by her! and i never imagined that a forgotten belt can make her wail like that!
sorry my xia, if i can only eat back my words, i would... but i know i couldn't anymore... i know that i have hurt your little heart - and i hope you know that mama did not mean it! sorry to have snapped on you. i should have been more careful with my words...
i regretted everything i said to you, my little one. i will never let anyone hurt you, more so myself!
please forgive me... please... please...
because i love you. forever.
No comments:
Post a Comment